A brand new blog!

So I disappeared yet again after completing a very satisfying (for me, at least!) blog marathon earlier this year. As you all know by now, I constantly need new motivation to get into writing spurts.

I randomly decided that the 'blogathon' was a fitting way to mark a transition in my blogging journey. So I've started a brand new blog! This is my last post on this blog. You probably won't be able to comment on my previous posts anymore. But worry not - 'coz I've migrated all of the posts from this blog as well as my previous blog that some of you may remember (Sugar, spice and everything nice!!!) to the new one so that they're all in one place.

All my future posts will be on Random thoughts! or you can simply type slokabs.in in your browser and you'll be redirected to the blog. Do keep following me there!

Being authentic - Day 30 of 30 - #30days blog marathon

Yesterday's post was about being nice. Today, I'm writing about being authentic. The two don't have to be mutually exclusive! But it's important to know the difference.

If you feel under some kind of pressure to behave in a certain way, then you'll have trouble sustaining it because you aren't being true to yourself. Pressure could be social - put on you by those around you or personal - put on you by yourself.

The important difference between being nice and being authentic is this:
Putting your heart into what you are doing is being nice.
Doing what your heart is in is being authentic.

Going the extra mile to be nice does not mean that you fake it! Care and concern, love, an innate need to connect to people - these are traits that cannot be be cultivated. They either come from within or they don't. And they could be different towards different people, as they usually are. It is humanly impossible to behave in exactly the same way with every person you meet. But what you can do is be genuine every time.

Quite interestingly, one of the management lessons that I've been taught  - generally with regard to conversation skills, networking, marketing and other client-centric roles - is to 'fake it till you make it'! Sip on that single glass of wine over three hours just to 'fit in'. Act interested in an offer even when you aren't to maintain relationships.

We live in a society where we are constantly under pressure to hide our emotions, smile even when we don't want to. That's us being nice. To be authentic, is to wear your heart on your sleeve. How then, in today's society do we be authentic?

Don't want to go to that party? You can either go and be nice or not go and be authentic. Or go for a bit and be both.

Not the sort to make an effort to keep in touch? Being authentic. Returning a call if someone had made the effort - being nice. And, being able to delight someone who does by picking from where you left off the last time. That's you being authentic and nice all at once.

Not giving feedback because you don't have anything good to say - being nice.
Calling a spade a spade, giving that negative feedback to someone's face - being authentic, but probably hurtful to the other person.
Giving the feedback in a constructive manner that'll actually help them - being both!

Avoiding confontation - being nice
Confronting a situation - being authentic, but probably detrimental to the relationship
Confronting diplomatically and with a genuine intent to resolve matters - being authentic and nice.

You meet someone and they're coming for a hug but you don't want to give one! Tricky situation!
Give the hug and be nice.
Don't hug and be authentic.
Bring out those reflexes, and thrust your hand out for a handshake! On the fence!!

X shares a secret with you that you think Y should know. Tricky again!
Tell Y yourself - being nice to Y but not to X
Don't tell Y - being nice to X but not to Y
Tell X to tell Y - being nice to both and being true to yourself!

Attending an event where the dress code is formal.
Wearing a dress or business suit because everyone there will be wearing one - well, I'd call this as being safe rather than being nice.
Wearing a saree because you want to - being yourself and authentic.

These are just a few examples but I'm sure you get the drift of what I'm trying to express.

Why go through the effort of being nice? To please others
Why, then, try to be authentic at the same time? To be happy and true to yourself because, at the end of the day, you are answerable to yourself. And most importantly, to drop the fear of letting our true selves be seen.

Here's an image I found online that explains being authentic very succintly. Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

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And it's a wrap - the 30 day blog marathon is done and dusted! Hope you've followed through and enjoyed reading my posts as much as I enjoyed writing them. 

I have received a few topic suggestions and in the past 30 days, I've gathered some blogging momentum so I hope to continue blogging frequently even after this blogathon. If you dont' see anything up on this blog for a while, do feel free to reach to me and give me a friendly shove!

Being nice - Day 29 of 30 - #30daysblogmarathon

I sincerely believe that none of us are born or pre-disposed to be mean! And I'm quite sure none of us likes or enjoys being mean. 

Our true self wants to be nice to others - that is our natural behaviour. The reason that the old saying - 'You can't please all of the people all of the time' - must have been coined was possibly because people were trying. 

However, it seems these days, that old-fashioned manners, gracious social etiquette and generally being unconditionally nice to people (i.e. without expecting anything in return) are seen as too cumbersome and  people demonstrating such behaviours are chided as being goody-two-shoes (or unnecessarily setting the bar high!).

Of course, it's not always black and white. It's not as if you're mean if you're not nice - there is that zone in between where we all try to hover - the "Why do more, when I can get away with less or when less is also enough?" zone. The problem with being in that zone is that we often swing wildly between the nice and mean ends showing bouts of unpredictable behaviour.

Why are we mean at times? When we are mean, we are usually in either of the following situations:
- We are not mentally present in the situation at all. We are preoccupied with other things that seem to demand our attention more
- We are overwhelmed with a multitude of things and venting our frustration of one on the other
- We have been bottling in a lot of grief, grudges or anger over a period of time without any avenue to share or let it out and therefore spit it out once we reach saturation
- We expect others to read our minds, expect too much and resent it when they don't live up to that
- We are busy eking out our life without paying attention to our natural calling - in other words, our heart is not in what we are doing (not from the perspective of our day jobs... Well that too... But mostly what we do to and for others)

The common thread between all the above reasons according to me is quite simply a lack of time - lack of time to focus, lack of time to heal, lack of time to think or lack of time to feel.

Much of our anger, resentment and frustration can be bucketed in at least one of the above situations (all that I could think of, but there could be more) which results in bringing out our unnatural mean side. But remember, that is not who we really are.

Being nice is not out-of-fashion, even though it might be made to seem like that. So go out there and make a difference! Be nice, especially when you don't want to - because that is when you're most likely to fall back on the mean side of your spectrum.  

Pick up the phone
and call a friend
who you haven't spoken to 
in quite a while,
because who doesn't like a call,
from a friend that's just to say hi?!

Read a book 
or watched a movie
that reminded you of someone,
send them a text, give them a shout,
Because who doesn't like to be told,
That they're remembered or thought about?!

Going out in a group,
Watch out for your pals,
Text them to know they got home safe,
If everyone's drinking, be the one to drive,
Because who doesn't like it,
When someone cares all the time?!

Hold doors open,
Show up on time,
Get gifts for no reason,
Make people smile,
Because who doesn't like it
When someone goes the extra mile?!

When you're feeling really mean,
Don't react or talk,
Calm down and try hard
To smile your best smile
Because who can resist that sparkle 
of niceness that's hidden in your eyes?!

Be grateful and genuinely kind,
Spread some love all around,
Even if you're alone, 
Don't give up,  just think
How being nice 
is such a beautiful thing!

Not that we need an excuse to be nice but if that didn't inspire you enough, here's a lovely post I saw on FB yesterday that should do it!

Kaleidoscope 3 - Day 28 of 30 - #30daysblogmarathon

Is 30 the new 40 or the new 20?

I posted this write-up on living on the other side of your 30s a few days back. Two things happened after I wrote that post.

The opening line of that post was '30 is the new 40'! Quite an emphatic statement. As soon as he read it, my husband's first reaction was "Why? Why 40? Why not '30 is the new 20'?!"

And then I read about this brilliant tweet yesterday that has gone viral the world over. 



And she received thousands of public responses of people in their 30s or older doing phenomenal stuff. For instance, a 47-year-old mother of four who published her first book at age 45 and has now started law school. Or about the girl who mentioned her 96-year-old friend who did an archaeological dig at age 75. You can read more instances and the entire article here.

Both of these incidents made me think more about everything that I wrote and only served to drive the point home harder that 'Age is after all just a number'! It also made me think about an even earlier post I made as part of this 30 days blog marathon on the choices that we make in life (that you can read here). How we choose to let our age inspire or impede us is entirely upto us. 

Yes, there are going to be lifestyle changes, physical changes, hormonal changes, career-related changes - all of which are, if you think about it, are very much in our control. 

So, 30 is the new 20, indeed!! 

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Bare necessities


Again, I'm writing some afterthoughts on my recent post on need vs want which you can read here.

A comment on that post by my dear mum made me think some more. I realised that 'needs' or 'wants' are just names or excuses that we give! It's simple - if your happiness is so dependent on something, you'll convince yourself that it's a need and make your entire existence about that one thing! That's probably the reason why what is a need for one is only a want for another (if at all) and vice versa.

But if you are contented with what you have, needs and wants are quite meaningless for you because you revel in the present moment. 

You realise, rightly so, that if something is truly meant for you, it'll find its way to you at the right time and in the right manner! You basically have everything you 'need' and anything additional is a 'want'! 

No written word summarises this better than the song from Jungle Book (a childhood favourite that still ranks up there!). The below lines from the song are my personal favourite!

If you act like that bee acts uh uh
You're working too hard
And don't spend your time lookin' around
For something you want that can't be found
When you find out you can live without it
and go along not thinkin' about it
I'll tell you something true
The bare necessities of life will come to you
They'll come to you!

Look for the bare necessities
The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife
I mean the bare necessities
That's why a bear can rest at ease
With just the bare necessities of life!

You can read the entire lyrics of the song here if you want to.

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Onion theory of resistance! 
(Note to vigilantes and researchers: this is not an actual theory!)

Around Nov-Dec 2019 in Mumbai, the prices of onions went up drastically due to heavy monsoons and low production. The price went up by nearly 400% before starting to return to normal more recently.

During that period, this WhatsApp forward went viral.

While the demand supply theory is definitely true, the origins of the forward and the existence of such a Japanese practice is not known.

The funny thing is, irrespective of such a tradition existing or not, by sheer domestic middle-class logic, you start valuing the expensive ingredient, in this case onion, more and using it a lot more sparingly! If you can replace onions in a dish, you do. And bhindi-do-pyaza just became so much dearer!

Anyway, prices have a way of regulating themselves in a society because of the dominant forces of demand and supply but discussing that is not the intent of this post!

I was thinking this can be applied to other aspects of life, such as -

a) If something is bothering you too much and it is not something you can change or help, then consciously shun the thought for some days. Don't pay it any heed. See if it becomes less persistent or non-existent that way!

b) If you feel that someone in your life is demanding too much of your energy (unless they are important to you and/or incapable of having a meaningful conversation with), whether physical, mental or emotional - avoid them for a few days. Do a 'network detox' every now and then and get away from people that are too expensive for you to spend your time on (because you know, time is money!). And then when you're back, maybe they'll expect less!

c) This also works wonderfully well for diets because if you like something that's unhealthy too much, give it up for sometime so you can value it more when you actually get to eat it! And while you're at it, if you need any help forming a new habit (including a diet), go read my yesterday's post!

Basically, anything that is draining you too much physically, emotionally or mentally should be put on a detox!

Let me know if my onion theory of resistance can be applied elsewhere according to you!

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New post tomorrow! Just two days of this blogathon to go - who'd have thought I'd make it through this challenge?!!

Forming a new habit - Day 27 of 30 - #30daysblogmarathon

Change is always difficult at first. There's no denying that. And when it comes to changing a habit, whether it's forming a new one or kicking an old one, the key is to stick with it until it becomes a part of your regular routine. 

Experts say it takes 21 days for an action to become a habit. So technically, if you do something continuously for 21 days, it is likely to become a routine part of your life (by this logic, blogging should have become a part of mine by now!! Let's see after this marathon period!). Any back-outs or slip-ups are usually most common in this period because it's not yet a natural tendency for you. 

This is why gym memberships are highest in January. So are enrollments at various hobby classes, visitors at libraries or consultations at nutritionists/dieticians. We are conditioned to believe that the new year is a good time to start something new because you're likelier to continue it throughout the year. In reality, this doesn't happen automatically. There is no perfect time to start a new habit. The only perfect time is when you decide to stick with it! Today is as good a day as any so if you're thinking about starting a new habit, here are some of my tips. Get cracking today!!  

1) Consistency - This is very important. It is necessary that you indulge in the action that you want to make a habit at the same time every day, as far as possible. If you have decided to read more books this year, try to read every morning or every night instead of just reading at random times everyday. You're likelier to make it a part of your routine if you do this. 

2) Keep your goals specific - 'I'll try to read 3 books a month' is a much better goal than 'I'll read more books this year'. Likewise, 'I'll get fitter this year' is far less effective than 'I must lose 15 kilos this year' or I'll quit sugar in all forms this year'. How you frame your goals is very important because that's the message your brain processes and it treats specific instructions very differently from general statements.

3) Make bit-by-bit changes - Instead of making extreme changes too suddenly, try following some form of gradation that'll make the transition easier. For instance, if you wake up usually at 8am, deciding that you are going to wake up at 4am from tomorrow is never going to work because that's just such a large mountain for your resolve to climb! That may be your ultimate goal but it helps to have sub-goals or milestones that help you make this change slightly more easily, even if takes a little longer initially. If you want to improve your fitness over a period of time and decide that starting tomorrow, you will exercise 1 hour, give up all forms of sugar and get 7 hours of sleep everyday, there's no way you will achieve this. While this goal is specific, it is too much for your body and mind to adapt to instantly if you haven't already made some progress in that direction. It might be better to start for a couple of months with the exercise routine and then gradually working on your sleep and then on your diet or in any other order that works but preferably not all together. 

4) Start over - If you happen to give in to temptation or don't meet your target, don't chide yourself too much about it. Just move on and start over. Being too rigid or harsh on yourself can often be counter-productive. Instead of motivating you, it may end up seeming like such an impossible goal that you are more wont to give up. At the same time, don't be too lax on yourself. It is necessary that you strike a fine balance between being motivated enough to repeat the activity everyday and at the same not feeling like you're being punished or forced to do it! Read my post on 'Never give up' if you need some added inspiration!

5) Assign a 'motivator' - Tell atleast one and upto 4 people about your goal and ask them to keep checking in with you on how you're progressing. Give them some free rein to push you to achieve your goal. Its remarkable sometimes what you can achieve when you make yourself answerable to someone! At the same time, telling too many people is not advisable because it can get overwhelming if all of them were to constantly nag you about it.

6) Reward yourself - Give yourself tiny rewards even when you achieve your sub-goals. It's so helpful to dangle the carrot of a reward and make sure it's something you feel motivated enough to work for. For example if you are planning to give up sugar, every 10 times that you deny yourself sugar, reward yourself with something you like - could be a new book or a new dress. Doesn't matter. In fact, it doesn't have to be expensive. You could reward yourself with an additional episode of your current favourite TV show that day! 

7) Stay cheerful - Most importantly, don't hesitate to revisit, restate or revise your goals if it is making you unhappy. If, instead of motivating you to do better, it seems like a burden on your back or it is depressing you no end, you've probably been over-ambitious either in defining your goal or the timeline you've set yourself. Go back to the drawing board and find a combination that doesn't kill you! 

Bonus tip - A lot of people will tell you to be result-oriented when you evaluate your progress towards your goals. But what has worked for me has been to enjoy the process or the journey rather than focusing exclusively on the result. As long as you are in the right direction, take your time and don't rush with that habit. Small, gradual changes everyday will make you a whole new person 5 years from now! So don't fret about not seeing results early in your journey to a new you. 

Whether it's that fitness goal you set yourself or a diet plan, if you don't see any significant weight loss in the initial period, do not get disheartened and/or give up. It's maintaining these actions over a longer period of time that deliver results anyway. Similarly, if you manage to meet that goal of getting up at 5am daily but don't end up getting anything done, don't beat yourself over it - at the very least, enjoy your morning cuppa of tea! Over time, you'll become more productive as your mind acclimatizes to the new schedule. 

The key thing like I said at the start of this post is to keep at it - vigorously, sincerely and passionately, but also in a forgiving manner and showing yourself some love along the way!

If you have any tips that worked for you, do share them in the comments!

Need or want? - Day 26 of 30 - #30daysblogmarathon

Roti, kapda, makaan - food, clothing and shelter - the three things that, since time immemorial, have been impressed upon us as the basic necessities of life. Anything beyond these were considered as 'good-to-haves' or 'wants'.

But as times have changed, so has the definition of necessities or needs. A lot of things that were wants earlier have become needs. And there is often confusion around the classification of things and experiences, that we spend on, between needs and wants. 

The key question for me when I choose to spend on an item (whether, gadget, clothing or even an experience) is not whether I really need it but what would I lose for not having or doing it. Am I richer mentally, emotionally by choosing to become financially poorer for it? 

I am not a saint so I don't just spend on my needs. In fact, a large percentage of what I spend my money on are wants. But as long as I am conscious of that and aware that should the requirement arise, I can very well go without it, I see no harm. It's not the ego of being able to afford something but the gratitude for it that makes the distinction meaningful.

So instead of listing down the questions that I ask myself when I want to buy something to decide whether I really need it or not, I thought it'd be more fun to put them together in a poem. So here we go!

I set out to discover
The difference between want and need;
Because with changing times
The difference is just a thin line!

Here are some questions I framed,
For that item or experience I think I need;
To help me figure and decide
Whether it's actually a want in disguise!

Why do I need it?
Are the traditional methods archaic?
Are the erstwhile tools so obsolete,
that I absolutely can't do without feeding the need?

Does the need satisfy
A basic requirement for life?
Do I need it only to fuel my happiness,
or even to just survive?

Gadgets and clothes;
The most enticing, the fastest changing;
While the basic varieties may well be a need,
Are the latest models or trends a must indeed?

And most importantly, is the need or want 
Worth spending my money on?
Do those financially worse off than me
Also feel this to be a burning need?

Of course there's nothing wrong
In indulging a want;
In fact it's quite the harness
For a nice little burst of happiness!

But I don't want to go around
Believing it's a need;
When the answers to these questions moot
Do not as much prove!

Some examples of needs and wants in today's context -

1. Mobile phone - This has replaced most stand telephones, cordless telephones and cameras even. I hardly know anyone who doesn't own a mobile. It's pertinent to note that traditional telephone devices and old fashioned basic cameras are no longer sold in most places. Does that make a mobile phone a want or a need? In today's context, it is a need. But do we really need the IPhone or is a simple phone that allows us make and receive calls as well as send and receive texts enough? Seems like that is enough? It is! Anything beyond that is likely a want! It's something you only spend on if you can afford it and have the willingness to! Also, if you have one of it, then that can be justified as a need but having more than one is likely a want (unless you're someone who gets a lot of calls or needs to keep calls discreet from one another like a busy professional, celebrity or the prime minister of the country in which case, owning more than one might just become legit!). Same principle applies to most gadgets and technological items such as, for instance, TVs, laptops/computers or flash drives.

2. What about commuting? Is that car or bike a need or a want? Can public transport satisfy your needs or is owning a private vehicle a need? It almost never is a need! Public transport may be cumbersome or it may not have door-to-door connectivity for you but it still serves the purpose of transferring you from one place to the other. You can choose radio cabs that do this even better and you almost don't need your personal vehicle at all unless you travel such long distances everyday that it becomes uneconomical for you in the long run. In owning your vehicle too, you can always choose between two-wheelers and four-wheelers, basic four-wheelers and sports cars or luxury vehicles. It's near impossible to classify this as a need in India. However, if you think of some countries like the USA where the public transit system is not as well connected or because the country is so vast, its way more economical for you to own a car then the question of whether its a need or want should be seen in the context of the geography you are in. 

3. Holidays - We all want to go on holidays. But going on a holiday itself is not really a need! Once you decide to go on one, the choice of staying in a lodge or a hostel or a 5-star resort are all based on how much you want to spend. There is no need to go for that spa treatment when on holiday but I want to because it makes the holiday complete for me! It makes me happy but do I need it? Questionable....because a getaway can also be a quick day trip to a nearby park and need not be a week-long (or weekend-long!) vacation!

4. Clothes - We all need clothes. But we all want good clothes! I may want to own the latest fashion but that's very much a good-to-have. One thing to note here again is the context - I need to show up at work everyday in a well-groomed manner so I need some good clothes but whether that need to be a particular expensive brand or anything smart and crisp will do is entirely up to me. And how many of them should I own is also a qood question to ask.

5. Kitchen appliances - Fancy appliances like roti makers, waffle makers, cake moulds, confectionery ovens may be wants (unless you're in the business of making roits or cakes!). But quite honestly, I can't imagine a home kitchen without a pressure cooker, a mixer-grinder, a hand blender or a coconut grater. And I know most people would own one of these! So I would definitely reclassify some of these from wants to needs. 

These are some of the things I could think of. What are your thoughts on wants and needs? Let me know in the comments!

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P.S. None of the content on this blog to be reproduced or lifted without permission

Never give up! - Day 25 of 30 - #30daysblogmarathon

One of my favourite quotes is this one by an American author and motivational speaker by the name of Regina Brett - "No matter how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up for life. When I do, the day always serves up more than I could have hoped for. Each day truly is a slice of heaven!"

This is so true and I couldn't sum it up better. 

Get up - There are days when I feel so low and sapped that I can't get out of bed. But I do. And once I do, I don't feel so bad any more. It's usually the first step that's the hardest.

Dress up - Spend some effort on looking and feeling good. Looking good has got less to do with being a fashionista or in tune with the latest trends and more to do with being comfortable in one's own skin and carrying oneself like a pro! If feeling good means using a good perfume or applying lipstick, go right ahead and do that. But if it's scruffing your hair in a loose bun or going make-up free, then that's really dressing up for you!

Show up - This is most important. No matter what, show up! If you promised, show up - whether you promised yourself or someone else. If you told someone you'd meet them, don't cancel last minute no matter how terrible you feel (unless you have a genuine situation that requires you to cancel). If you promised yourself that you'd wake up and go to the gym, then show up at the gym. There's really no exaggeration on how good this can make you feel!

So today's post is dedicated to this awesome quote that I try my best to follow in life and would strongly recommend all of you to follow too!

Late last night,
Puffy, tired eyes,
can only hold you back,
until you decide,
to get up from bed and greet the day,
announcing like a boss, 'Surprise'!

Brush your teeth, 
get in the shower,
Scour your wardrobe,
for something comfy and nice,
And as you dress up,
Don't forget your smile!

Carry that spirit,
with you through the day;
Pass it on to those,
you meet along the way,
as you show up no matter what,
'Coz that's what you do when you're down and out!

Never give up!

New post tomorrow! 

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P.S. None of the content on this blog to be reproduced or lifted without permission

Life on the other side of 30! - Day 24 of 30 - #30daysblogmarathon

30 is the new 40! It has been for a few years now. So what's it really like to cross that hurdle and live life on the other side? 

I've be in my thirties for a couple of years now and honestly, the change is so subtle and gradual that you don't even realise it. Heard of the adage, 'Day by day nothing changes, but when you look back every thing's different!"? That's what it feels like! A lot of it is just psychological but some of it is physical too. 

Also, now may be a good time to add that not everyone feels the same. It definitely is all in the mind. We all know that seventy-year old who can put a teen to shame in both vivacity and tenacity. At the same time, we also know that 30-year old who starts talking as if their life is over. True, some things do really change once you're 30 and you start taking a long-term view of most things. But how you perceive these changes and how you allow it to impact your lifestyle, thought-process and attitude is entirely up to you. In other words, how old or young you are depends on your age but how old or young you feel depends entirely on your attitude!

Having said that, I will now launch into a monologue about what being on this side of 30 means to me. Along the way, I'll also maybe slip in some snippets and thoughts that my fellow thirties-pals have shared!

The 30s effect on:

Friendships 

I think all of that stuff you do to be 'in with the crowd' or 'fit in' becomes meaningless. You simply stop trying too hard. You realise that your true friends will stick with you no matter what and accept you for who you are. And that they are the only ones that matter.

A lot of your work colleagues become your best friends, given how much time you spend with them during the week. You may see less of your other friends in the bargain but the best ones will stay!

Outings with friends become more sophisticated!! You move one from the CCDs and Baristas to better places that you can now (usually) afford! Better still, you may start preferring house parties because you either learn to be a good host who wants to try out different things or have friends that do! 

Career

You start thinking more seriously about the longer run - what you want to do, where you want to be, are you really enjoying what you're doing and whether what you're doing now will be sustainable, relevant and rewarding in future as well. You also start thinking about where you want to be physically - whether you want to move countries or be where you are.

You start evaluating potential opportunities from a cost-benefit perspective - opportunities in terms of different work profiles, different organisations and even educational opportunities. You definitely put more thought into whether you want to get that Executive MBA or supplement your professional degrees with some additional domain-specific degrees or diplomas. 

There are a lot of questions that plague your mind at this time and lot of crucial decisions that seem like now-or-never opportunities although, in reality, they are not so. It's never too late really. However, one must accept that though there is no real restriction on doing an MBA at 40 even, or changing jobs at that age, such exciting or life-changing opportunities do start thinning out as you get older. 

An important question that you need to answer at this point is how do you stay relevant in your career as you likely move from being among the junior strata of your team to more responsible, mentoring roles. You start evaluating CVs of people born two decades ahead of you and that really drives home the point that you are now a senior team member who needs to have some domain expertise. You also start looking at what you can do to upskill yourself - whether it is by attending training programs at work or picking up courses on online platforms like Udemy/Coursera or by talking to your seniors to evaluate what areas you should specialise in so that you can become the go-to person for something! Continuous learning is key as is developing your juniors because if you don't groom people to get into your shoes, you will not be considered ready to step into the shoes of your seniors!

Productivity and habits

You learn to make better use of your time. Meeting friends, family and extended family or making it to social commitments and finding time for yourself require you to strike a delicate balance. You begin to choose your commitments accordingly. 

Also, I believe that you tend to be a tad more productive at work for a couple of reasons - 

- It is likely that some of the people who joined the organisation along with you have moved out now. So you tend to be caught in a time warp where your peerset is changing but you are constant! 

- You likely take fewer breaks because you want to get home to family. Or to your me-time which may entail binge-watching a series on Netflix, catching up a PS4 game or finishing that book. You start making an effort to switch on and off and work as far as possible. (In my experience, this has been very hard to achieve because if you're in a consulting role or a job that demand you to be 'available' all the time, then you struggle with this. But you start wanting to make the effort)

- Because you are likely to have shown some growth at work, you are in a position to delegate some of the tasks and therefore able to focus on work that is more challenging and/or satisfying. This automatically makes you more productive

You also start consciously forming habits based on people, books and/or videos that inspire you. Like sleeping early, eating on time, being more organised, drinking more water (yes, this one helps too!), exercising regularly. All of these things makes you more active and productive throughout the day.

Health

You start taking your health more seriously. You realise that fitness decisions you do not make at this stage may cause irreversible damage to your health in later years. Many of my friends made lasting diet changes such as going Vegan or switching to a completely Paleo diet. Or more recently, practicing intermittent fasting. 

At this point is when some of them went back to a sport that they were good at in school or picked up a new one altogether. 

Yoga, Zumba, aerobics and gymming are all fitness activities that you tend to dabble in before finally settling on one or two that are sustainable on a regular basis.

Important to mention here that in addition to physical health, mental health is of equal significance as well. Getting back to your hobbies to keep you mentally happier and content is also a great way to stay spirited and one that quite a few people I know have done exceedingly well......me getting back to blogging is also one such effort. Hopefully I'll take to music again as well!

Financial decisions

If you haven't already, 30s is definitely when you should start making sound financial decisions and long-term investments. By this time you've probably paid off or close to paying off any student loans that you'd taken. With a little more disposable income, the tendency to splurge is high so it's best to start investing early and wisely. 

There is a right way to save. Do you know how? Save first, spend later...and not the other way around. In initial days when you've just started earning, the tendency is to spend all you want, and whatever is left at the end of the month goes into savings. 30s is the time to reverse that, if you haven't already. 

It's also a good idea to split your savings by objectives - higher or continuing education fund, marriage and honeymoon fund, children's education fund (if you already have kids), travel fund, so on and so forth. Absolutely essential to create at this point (again, if not already done) is an emergency fund. This fund should ideally be worth six months of your salary at least so that should you suddenly find yourself in dire need, either without a job or facing a health issue, you have something to fall back on. (Also helps if you finally decide to take that sabbatical you've always been wanting to!)

Love and relationships

If you're single, then you start looking at potential relationships, thinking of marriage or evaluate whether you want to get married or stay single. If you're married, you start thinking about whether or not you want to have babies and planning in that direction. This is also the time when there are hormonal changes in the body and you become aware of your body clock (or your constantly reminded of it by people around you)! There is suddenly a lot more seriousness in your relationships - in a positive way! 

You start looking love slightly differently and desperate bubblegum romance gives way to more mature pragmatic expressions of love that manifest in the little-little daily actions - like saving the last bit of your partner's favourite ice cream for him/her, giving him/her a spontaneous back rub when they've had a bad day or finding that being together in silence is also comfortable and does not require great activities or regular 'going-out' to keep the relationship alive and well.

Don't get me wrong - you still need to 'invest' in the relationship. But instead of investing in terms of gifts or expensive dates, investment in terms of time and thoughtfulness mean so much more.

Attitude

This is the one thing that differs maximum from person to person. In my case, 30s made me a lot more pensive, even cynical maybe. But it's also made me want to get a lot more out of life - travel more, invest in experiences rather than things and make efforts to connect and stay in touch with  people who mean something to me.  It's also made me more environmentally and socially conscious. I always fancied myself as a thinker, but I think the 30s have made me an overthinker!

But honestly, this has nothing to do with age and everything to do with our experiences, interactions and inspiration.

What has changed definitively due to age is the fact that I am now in a position to actually influence people - there are younger people who look up to me for advice, opinions or mentorship and I feel hugely responsible indulging in such roles. 

Priorities

There's no denying that there's a gentle yet definite shift in priorities. There's more self-awareness and consciousness for decisions taken and these are evaluated in detail in terms of cost, benefit, long vs short term impact, people and places involved, financial consequences and most importantly, the question of 'what do I choose today?'.

Every morning, I wake and need to decide whether today I'm going to prioritise my work or my family needs me more; whether that social commitment is more important than my me-time today (when I'll indulge in my hobbies.....like writing this blog post!)! I am able to prioritise these without compromising on what I want because the 30s have made me feel less guilty about making myself a priority!

That's my life today and it's on this side of 30, no longer the 'other side' for me!! What does your age mean to you, if anything at all? And if you're in your thirties or more, feel free to let me know if you relate to the above changes and have anything to add.

Come back for a new post tomorrow!

P.S. Interesting that I write about being in 30s as part of a #30daysblogmarathon! The thought struck me so I simply had to put it here!

Kaleidoscope 2 - Day 23 of 30 - #30daysblogmarathon

5 ways to strike up a conversation with someone

I know people who can easily talk to a tree! I'm not one of those people! Of course, I can easily talk to friends and people I'm close to. But it takes me a lot of effort to strike up a conversation with someone who I don't know well enough or if I've only ever met them in a social or professional setting. 

On three separate occasions last year, I was introduced to a few tricks that can help initiating and sustaining a conversation in such settings. Here are my top 5 tips. And to make them easy to remember, I have alliterated the titles!

1. Innovative introductions - Ask people about themselves and be genuinely interested. To make this more effective, after cursory mandatory business-card exchanges, instead of asking them about their job, ask them open-ended questions that would make them talk about something they are passionate about. You could ask them about their hobbies or you could ask them to talk about something they have done recently that they're proud of. If they're comfortable, you could also ask them about their kids (provided you know they have kids!). People love to talk about themselves and their children and their achievements. Getting them to talk about these this gives you a better picture about what drives them. Remember Platinum Rule of Relationships? This is a win-win conversation starter! Make it interesting!

2. Spot signals  - of boredom, lack of interest or being closed to a certain topic of discussion. It's easy to go on about something you like to talk about, for instance a sport, politics or a person you follow. But these may not necessarily be of interest to your conversation partner. If their eyes are meandering across the room, they are probably bored and looking for someone else to talk to! If they are giving you one word responses or worse, just vocalising sounds (hmm, aah, etc), they probably have nothing to add to the conversation and will soon zone out. Time to change topics. Too much gesturing may be distracting them. Maybe just be more mindful of that. Don't be the bulldozer!

3. Pace (and) Pause - Don't bulldoze the conversation. Pace it so that your partner has an opportunity to respond and when they do, listen. Don't cut in or disagree curtly. Even if you have to disagree, let them complete their point of view. Maintain a steady pace, don't speak too fast or too slow and if possible, mirror the pace of your conversation partner. Pause to observe whether they have something to add, whether they are following you or to spot signals like we noted in point 2 above. Give them a chance!

4. Control contact - One of the foremost conversation tips I got was to maintain eye-contact. But do be sensible when doing this. Don't stare too hard that it creeps the other person out. Don't keep looking at and looking away consciously and quickly - that can make it hard for him/her to focus on what you're saying. Keep it easy. Just don't let your eyes rove around the room or fixate at a part of their body. Besides eye-contact, keep your hands to yourself. Frequent patting or physical contact is not appreciated. Keep it natural and don't try too hard!

5. Circumvent compulsive conversation  - Don't force the conversation. If required, move to a third person to add another dimension to the group. Or if you're done and have nothing more to say, walk away graciously. There is no need to force frivol or bring up trivial matters simply to keep the conversation going. Most of the time, this doesn't end well. Sarcasm is a complete no-no. If you just cracked a joke that only you are laughing at, take the hint! If you feel the conversation is drying up, forcing humor or meandering into trivial topics just to keep the conversation going may end up creating just the opposite of the impression you intended to create. Not all conversations need to be funny, casual or jestful. At least not when you don't know the person that well yet! Know when to walk away!

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Tabletopics conversation starters

Continuing with the above theme, here's something I found helpful to initiate conversations. Unlike the earlier section which dealt with conversations with less familiar people, Tabletopics actually helps to spark really meaningful conversations with family and friends too. (Though I have used some of the conversation starters with complete strangers as well and honestly, it has worked well for me!)

These are cue cards where each card has a conversation starter question which then helps to initiate a discussion on the said topic. There are various different 'Tabletopics' sets intended at different demographics and conversation groups. 

The Travel size editions of Tabletopics is one of my favourites. My husband and I have used this on a few road trips already and they are quite fun!

Below is a snapshot of some of the more popular sets and some sample questions.



Couples Tabletopics

• If we could quit our jobs, what would we like to do?
• Is it our similarities or our differences that attract us to each other?
• Do we spend enough time together alone as a couple?
• What would you miss most if you were no longer in this relationship?

Happiness Tabletopics

• When you want to laugh, what or who do you turn to?
• What’s your favorite dream about your future?
• What smell reminds you of childhood?
• Who’s the best boss you ever worked for?

Teen Tabletopics

• Who’s the funniest person you know?
• What five foods do you wish were banished from the earth?
• What personal trait has gotten you in the most trouble?
• What’s the most difficult thing about getting older?

Therapy Tabletopics

• If you’re in denial about one thing, what is it?
• What’s your most embarrassing phobia?
• What do you say that sounds just like your mother or father?
• If you had multiple personalities, what would they be?

You can view the entire range of Tabletopics here. Check them out when you get some time. You could try some of the sample questions with your groups to see if they work for you.

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5 easy-read books that made me think deeply about life

I've read and re-read these books and I strongly recommend them to anyone I know who loves to read. These are not very long...they're relatively short and crisp with a very powerful message in each! Do read them if you haven't already!

1. Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom - What a gem this book is! Over 14 Tuesdays, the author meets with his ailing Sociology professor who gives him valuable life lessons. My favourite is Tuesday number 13 which talks about finding joy in the average day and not wasting it away in the search of a perfect day! 

2. Sixty Seconds: a collection of short stories compiled by Phil Bolsta - This is a collection of 45 short stories, all dealing with people's experiences where a single moment changed their life or their perspective. The stories are grouped together under various themes such as life-and-death moments, moments of enlightenment, life-altering moments. Nearly every story in this book made me think and feel the emotion that the authors felt in that life-changing moment that they described. My favourite story in the book is titled 'Life as a Daymaker' which is about a hairdresser who gives his all to a routine appointment by his regular only to discover, to his utter shock, the real reason she came in that day. 

3. Many lives, many masters by Dr. Brian Weiss - I never believed in reincarnation or the afterlife before I read this book. Even now, I don't believe in it entirely but I don't disbelieve it anymore. It's obviously squarely in the realm of the unknown. But the manner in which the author talks about the impact our actions from past lives have on this one, the way our personality in this life is a composite of our many experiences from past lives and about how we genuinely do have to answer for our actions on earth really made me wonder. Believer or non-believer, this book is a great read!

4. Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach - This books is about a seagull named Jonathan who is learning to fly and in the process learns more about life in his quest for perfection. He is not satisfied merely by scouring for food for survival but is keen to push the boundaries to perfect his flying skills and elevate to a higher plane of existence where he learns the secret to live, not just exist. The book is divided into four parts with each part giving a distinct takeaway. A nice one that really made me approach every new challenge differently thereafter is what Jonathan learns from the wisest gull, "begin by knowing that you have already arrived"!

5. The Little Prince by Antoine De Saint-Exupery - This list would be incomplete without this book! This is a rare book that is designed as a children's book but is really enlightening for adults as well. I absolutely adore this book and have read it several times. The book follows the journey of a young prince through various planets in the universe, including Earth, and talks about various themes of love, loss, friendship, idiosyncracies of people in society and what loneliness can do to a person. One of the highlights of the book is how each of the planets that the Little Prince visits is shown to be inhabited by one single irrational, opinionated and unreasonable adult intended as a satire on a chosen element of society. This book is high on my list of must-reads!!

What are the books that influenced your life? Let me know in the comments!

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Hope you enjoyed today's (rather long!) post. Come back for a new post tomorrow. Not too many days of the 'Blogathon' remaining!