What is the most important quality that brings about understanding between two people in a relationship?
I think it's the quality of empathy - the ability to truly put yourself into another's shoes, to feel what they feel, to be able to anticipate their reactions to your behaviour and accordingly modify your behaviour wherever possible.
You may not agree with everything they think or feel. But your ability to respect their point of view is crucial to the relationship - whether it is in marriage or friendship, between parents and children or siblings, boss and employee or peers at work.
Many of us say 'I understand' very loosely as a response in conversations but do we truly understand and appreciate the other person's point of view from their position or do we simply agree to disagree in order to avoid confrontation?
We all respond to circumstances and situations in a certain way that seems completely rational to us at the time. It is important to think before we speak or act yet, the fact remains that in most cases, we say and do things that feel right to us at a particular point in time. We may not feel the same way about them in hindsight or even if we were to be posed with the exact same situation in a hypothetical setting. But right in that moment, when faced with the situation, we behave in a certain way.
It's the same for others. No matter how much we say, that we understand their position, we are not physically capable of living their life, getting into their mind or truly experiencing their situation. So we can only make a genuine concerted effort to appreciate their situation, constraints and emotions to genuinely 'understand' why they behave or react in a particular way. Trusting that the action or words were driven by esoteric factors and and not intent can make this more doable. Of course, you'd only make this effort for relationships and people who hold some amount of significance in your life.
Certain behaviours demand an apology but empathy makes forgiveness easier, making the relationship stronger.
Think about the following -
- That parent who couldn't make it to his child's sports day because he had to close a deal that would decide his bonus for the year!
- That sister who couldn't make it to her brother's wedding in another country because she was pregnant.
- That colleague who couldn't meet a deadline because he fell asleep on the laptop after a week of sleepless nights
- That child who sleeps with the lights on because he is too scared of monsters (remember that the monsters seem very real to the child so saying something like 'you're being silly' can just make matters worse and make them feel as if they can't confide in you)
- and as I am learning as a new mother, empathy is so important with a baby. Trying to decipher your baby's cries when he's fed, has slept and should ideally be very playful can be the most frustrating feeling ever but maybe he doesn't want to go out, or maybe I'm forcing him to sleep more or maybe he's too hot - as long as he can't speak, trusting that he's crying for a genuine reason and not just to throw a tantrum is so important to maintaining maternal sanity!
What do you think strengthens understanding in a relationship? Let me know in the comments!
New post tomorrow....ta-da!
I think it's the quality of empathy - the ability to truly put yourself into another's shoes, to feel what they feel, to be able to anticipate their reactions to your behaviour and accordingly modify your behaviour wherever possible.
You may not agree with everything they think or feel. But your ability to respect their point of view is crucial to the relationship - whether it is in marriage or friendship, between parents and children or siblings, boss and employee or peers at work.
Many of us say 'I understand' very loosely as a response in conversations but do we truly understand and appreciate the other person's point of view from their position or do we simply agree to disagree in order to avoid confrontation?
We all respond to circumstances and situations in a certain way that seems completely rational to us at the time. It is important to think before we speak or act yet, the fact remains that in most cases, we say and do things that feel right to us at a particular point in time. We may not feel the same way about them in hindsight or even if we were to be posed with the exact same situation in a hypothetical setting. But right in that moment, when faced with the situation, we behave in a certain way.
It's the same for others. No matter how much we say, that we understand their position, we are not physically capable of living their life, getting into their mind or truly experiencing their situation. So we can only make a genuine concerted effort to appreciate their situation, constraints and emotions to genuinely 'understand' why they behave or react in a particular way. Trusting that the action or words were driven by esoteric factors and and not intent can make this more doable. Of course, you'd only make this effort for relationships and people who hold some amount of significance in your life.
Certain behaviours demand an apology but empathy makes forgiveness easier, making the relationship stronger.
Think about the following -
- That parent who couldn't make it to his child's sports day because he had to close a deal that would decide his bonus for the year!
- That sister who couldn't make it to her brother's wedding in another country because she was pregnant.
- That colleague who couldn't meet a deadline because he fell asleep on the laptop after a week of sleepless nights
- That child who sleeps with the lights on because he is too scared of monsters (remember that the monsters seem very real to the child so saying something like 'you're being silly' can just make matters worse and make them feel as if they can't confide in you)
- and as I am learning as a new mother, empathy is so important with a baby. Trying to decipher your baby's cries when he's fed, has slept and should ideally be very playful can be the most frustrating feeling ever but maybe he doesn't want to go out, or maybe I'm forcing him to sleep more or maybe he's too hot - as long as he can't speak, trusting that he's crying for a genuine reason and not just to throw a tantrum is so important to maintaining maternal sanity!
What do you think strengthens understanding in a relationship? Let me know in the comments!
New post tomorrow....ta-da!
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